Report: Gutmann and Biden Will Make Small Talk for an Hour on Stage, and You'll Love It

Joe Biden was on campus this Tuesday for a "conversation" with Amy Gutmann. Since the announcement of the event, students have been uncertain about what that really means. All the event organizers told us is that it would be "engaging."

Penn didn't need to say anything else to sell out of tickets for the event. They know we are weak. They know we are vapid, we are greedy, we are desperate for proximity to celebrity. They know we are feeble in mind and in spirit, Pavlovian creatures who can't help but salivate when we hear "Biden." With little idea what this event entailed, Quakers gobbled up every ticket. 

Sources did leak that the agenda for pair's discussion was to talk about the weather, the traffic Biden faced on the way in from D.C., how Barack Obama liked his onions (cooked, not raw), what Gutmann's Valentine's Day was like, and then shift to a brief discussion of the Grammy Awards. Biden will provide his take on Kacey Musgraves' Album of the Year win, while Gutmann will weigh in on the Rap Album of the Year award. Neither take appears particularly interesting.

The conversation was supposed to have lasted for around 15 or 20 minutes, depending how much mileage the two can squeeze out of their initial weather conversation. 

The final item on the agenda was for Biden to stand and tell Gutmann how good it was to catch up, and how much he'd love to grab lunch sometime. Then the agenda offered two possibilities: Biden will either declare his candidacy for President of the United States of America, or he will try to give Gutmann a fist-bump. If he chooses the second option, experts say, Gutmann will almost certainly try to high five him in response. "It will be awkward," an anonymous expert told us.

Students didn't seem daunted by the dull program.

"It's Joe Biden," said one sophomore. "If he walked on-stage, whispered 'Democracy,' then left, it would be worth my time."