"I'm So Busy I Barely Have Time to Eat," Says Student Who Drinks 7 Days a Week

College senior Zoey Albonnet has a lot on her plate right now — except a well-balanced meal. She is allegedly so busy that she can barely find time to get proper nutrition.

“By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat,” Albonnet reported.

Despite this, Albonnet has been spotted in local watering holes such as the Copabanana and Smokes seven days per week, on average.

When confronted about this myriad of sightings, Albonnet denied having attended.

“What? That wasn’t me. I was home Tweeting at that time. You can even look at the time stamps on my Twitter feed,” she said. “I just told you how busy I am. Do you think someone that busy has time to drink every day of the week?” she added.

Friend Lofia Rice (C’19) confirmed that Albonnet was, in fact, the woman in these sightings.

“Zoey is the most fun person at Penn. She’s will literally go out any night of the week. That’s why she feels like she’s busy,” Rice reported. “Twitter couldn’t possibly take up that much time and energy,” she added.

“It is very overwhelming to be me. I actually don’t have time to finish this interview,” Albonnet said as she packed her things hastily and jogged out of the UTB office.

The next evening, Albonnet was spotted in the Copabanana as usual, this time sporting a disguise of a trench coat and moustache. The give-away: she was on Twitter.