Jon Bon Jovi and 4 Other Things That Help Me Celebrate My White Heritage

The prevailing belief on this campus is that white people have no culture. And yet, speaking from personal experience, I know that this utterly and completely false. White culture does exist, and it deserves to be celebrated. Although it is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society. 

1. Jon Bon Jovi

The black community might have Drake, and the Latinx community might have Cardi B, but they’ve got nothing on Captain Kidd himself. Livin’ on a Prayer? Classic. You Give Love a Bad Name? Banger. Wanted Dead or Alive? Absolutely sublime. Bon Jovi is perfect for any occasion — barbecues, rocking out in the car, barbecues, the list goes on. There is no man alive with more charisma, more simmering whiteness, than Bon Jovi himself, and he ought to be celebrated for being the figurehead of white culture that he is. 

2. Mayonnaise

It may not be an instrument of the musical arts, but it is most definitely a tool of great power with regard to the culinary field. Mayonnaise is perfect on literally any sandwich and is so versatile that it can be used with anything from tater tots to tuna melts. White people not only made this delectable condiment but also popularized it, and have ensured that mayonnaise has proliferated such that it can be enjoyed by other cultures. You’re welcome!

3. Potato Salad

Speaking of mayonnaise, nothing screams “I’ll call the police on you!” quite like a delicious, homemade potato salad. The whole assemblage of ingredients is a masterclass on everything that one needs to know about whiteness — bland, pale, and — oh, is that a raisin? Sharon, you really shouldn’t have, they’re such a special twist! You’re becoming a regular ole Iron Chef, I swear!

4. Socially Acceptable Alcoholism

Nothing quite washes down all that familial strife and passive aggression quite like a couple cans of Natty Lite! Sure, white people may not have to worry about search-and-frisk and mass incarceration, but they do have to worry about what sort of shit Margaret was talking on you at that last book club meeting you missed. Being a white person is so difficult in today’s day and age that I think it’s completely reasonable to enjoy a shot or eight by yourself while you sob over that latest episode of Gray’s Anatomy. 

5. Cocaine

Alcohol can only do so much, after all. And I mean, c’mon, we’re the only subset of the population that can both afford some of that sweet, sweet angel dust and get away with snorting it in public off Mummy and Daddy’s credit card.