Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

In a study done by the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers discovered that the water of a Brita filter, a $20-$30 water filtration device, is so pure that it can offset the physical deterioration that comes with binge-drinking and chain-smoking. 

Perelman School of Medicine’s Lead Researcher on Water Filtration Technology Richard H. Ari (E ’92) remarked  that “it’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines. I’m astonished. Honestly, I'm questioning a lot of things about my career right now.” 

While those in the field continue to be utterly shocked by the discovery, Brita filter owners are overjoyed to have successfully added another layer to their already thriving superiority complex. Penn Brita Drinkers Unite spokeswoman added, “We knew it all along. I guess Brita users just prove that natural selection is in full force," she paused, "and we’re wining.”