Feeling Cow Sick? Here Are 4 Cures For When You Miss Your Favorite Dairy Cow

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” Don’t worry, you’re not going crazy: you’re just cow sick. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled five surefire cures for when you’re away from home and pining for your best bovine.

1. Stack The Hay Bales, Even If Your Housemates Have Allergies

This is the affirmation you need to say, “Yes, this hay will be here for the remaining week, and no, allergic rhinitis isn’t an excuse for me not to stack the harvest’s hay high.” 

2. Do The Gallon Challenge Alone

While not much can come close that noontime suckle on a cow teat, a gallon of FroGro Whole Milk can sure as heck come close. 

3. Wait Till Sundown, Then Stare Wistfully Into the Distance, Dreaming of a Life Far From the Plains

Father has gone out with Uncle Ross and Charlie again, the drinking and such, but you hear Mother playing piano, some old tune she had sung to you years and years ago, those brassy notes seem to ease into this midsummer heat, as that low sun dips at a barely-seen pace. Another year, Father says, he needs you to stay on another year; and yet you’ve received the acceptance letter you’ve so desired and dreamed... 

4. Watch the Temple Grandin Documentary

We stan a humane cow killing queen, and Temple Grandin fits that mold to a T. Make it a Netflix and chill(ed milk) night? Dairy Cow blues — goodbye!