Fossil Fuel Divestment ‘Economically Infeasible,’ Say Trustees Sipping Petroleum From Champagne Flutes

At their biannual meeting Thursday, the Board of Trustees announced that a proposed divestment from fossil fuels would be “economically infeasible,” as the Trustees slugged viscous unleaded petroleum from crystal stemware. 

Speaking intermittently between swills of liquid hydrocarbons from stylish Baccarat glasses, the Trustees declared that divestment from fossil fuels would result in unacceptable losses of profit for the University endowment. 

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.

A few Trustees munched on solid bitumen from fine china while attentively listening to their colleagues. 

The Board then held an 11-second open forum for discussion on the matter, before moving into proceedings on the construction of a permanent educational display on Huntsman International’s 10 most delicious chemicals to inhale.