Greasy Student on Outermost Seat Effectively Claims Entire Lecture Row as Territory

Disaster struck during this morning’s biology lecture as Ulysses Wong (C ‘22) decided to sit on the end of a row of seats, stopping anyone else from entering.

“He came in ten minutes early and plopped down his bag, jacket, Hydroflask, violin case, and his &pizza order right at the entrance of the row,” recalled Dakota North (C ‘21), a student who was forced to stand for the one-and-a-half hour lecture. “I never knew he had it in him.”

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.

“I tried to get past him, but I just couldn't stand the stench,” North said. “He sort of smelled like oat milk — not pleasant, if you were wondering.”

No doubt about it, Wong's “power move” has earned him major clout in the Penn delinquent community.

“I’m a pioneer. I see land, and I take it for myself,” Wong proclaimed, blocking off seats in an introductory chemistry class. “Call me Columbus, ‘cause I’m colonizing this row.”

Although he could improve the lives of his fellow classmates by simply moving into the center and letting others sit next to him, it doesn't seem like Wong is planning on budging anytime soon.

“I won't lie. Whenever I look over my shoulder and see empty seats, I am driven to orgasm,” Wong said, unabashedly. “Also, I get to leave class first, and that’s always a plus.”

Sorry, fellow Quakers. It looks like Wong’s obnoxious behavior is here to stay.