My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

Normally, one can be in and out of CVS in under ten minutes. The store is designed with efficiency in mind — a mix of cashiers and electronic checkouts allows for the quickest possible egress from the Mecca of last-minute purchases.

However, Bryon Hernández's (C ’19) love for CVS led to him spending seven hours wandering around the brightly lit aisles, his mind lost in a cloudy haze. 

When he finally emerged, having been shaken back to reality by a helpful sales assistant, he claimed to have no knowledge of where the time had gone. 

“I can’t remember what happened,” Hernández said, shaking his head, CVS receipts wrapped around his neck like garlands. “I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 

According to witnesses, Hernández picked up every item in the store, calculated the Extra Bucks savings, then either put it in his cart or threw it to the ground in disgust before picking it up again, tears running down his face.

“This actually happens quite frequently” said CVS sales assistant Tanya Underwood. “Usually we just find them in the back, curled up in the cleaning products aisle. This guy was unique, though: usually, the customers can’t see the Void of Eternal Darkness and Savings. That’s for employees only. He might have a future working at CVS.”

Hernández has said he will never return to CVS again, a conviction that will probably last until he runs out of hand soap and realizes he must again enter the timeless realm of superior savings and Extra Bucks.