Gutmann Announces New Hall of Money to Replace Green Space Lost During Construction

Penn’s board of trustees has been dogged by criticisms for months after eliminating one of the few places where people can still show off their dogs to pick up cuties. Penn’s constituency of dudes and dudettes who love having a chill-ass time has been protesting for weeks on the powerful platform that this construction constitutes “spikeball, frisbee, and hacky sack erasure,” and for once it looks like the University is listening to the concerns of the community. 

Thanks to an anonymous $500 million donation made in the name of “Big Money Ballers Everywhere” this afternoon Gutmann announced that Penn will finally build a monument to the one thing Penn students worship more than Wawa & nicotine. However, in a bold design choice, rather than building a lame greenhouse for the nerds who miss having plants and breathable air on campus, the University is choosing to create a building made entirely of money. 

When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.” 

“It’s all about the Benjamins baby,” she announced at her press conference while decked out in Balenciaga’s Winter 2019 collection and Louis Vuitton earbuds.

Entrance into the new Hall of Money will be restricted to people who meet the minimum clout requirements, but luckily even the people who claim to be broke on campus aren’t really poor.