OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)

Long ago, in a simpler time known only as the Obama Years, I was granted admission to the University of Pennsylvania (regular decision, so suck on those nuts, E.D. kids). We keep hearing more and more facts and figures about how Penn is becoming more competitive to get into — as if in some desperate attempt to humble me. I’m here to say that I got into Penn once, and I could do it again. If I wanted to.

Okay, realistically, Penn is really hard to get into, and the applications are getting more impressive every year. Sure, the applicants are stretching the truth and lying when possible, but I invented lying on college apps. I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.

I’m just saying: if I woke up tomorrow seventeen again, and I applied to Penn, and I stretched the truth as far as it could go, and I got my parents to donate outrageous amounts of money, I could get in early decision to any school I wanted as long as it was the College of Arts and Sciences or Nursing. 

But luckily I don’t have to, right?