OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about some sort of “hookup culture” at Penn, and I want to set the record straight once and for all: it is a myth. Because if there truly was a culture of hooking up, I would be absolutely drowning in poontang.

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits. Thots simply love me, and the only reason I have no prospects at the moment (and haven’t for the past three years) is that these Penn girls make you chase for mad long before they give it up.

I will admit that maybe there have been hookups at Penn — but only one or two, and only between pro hooker-uppers. It’s impossible that there’s a more widespread trend than that, because otherwise I’d be slaying hella tang. On the reg. No BS, brotendo.

Hopefully I have shown you guys how ludicrous it is to believe there’s a hookup culture at Penn. I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll say it again: Penn’s hookup culture doesn’t exist, cuz if it did I’d be slaying mad poon.