Philly Public Transit Rebrands as SEPTÆ to Appeal to Penn Students

On Penn’s campus, the Philadelphia Public Transit System (known as SEPTA) is fairly unpopular among students, who prefer either Uber or Lyft as means of transportation off campus. A lot of reasons factor into this trend: SEPTA is notoriously dirty, late, and can be a lot slower than driving. 

As a result of these complaints, SEPTA has decided to switch up their brand in order to appeal to Penn students.

The first major change to the gargantuan public transit network is in their name: once SEPTA, now SEPTÆ. 

The changes don’t stop there. 

All of the trains to and from Penn’s campus now will have mood lighting, which will be kept low enough to hide any major acne breakouts, but just high enough to make your sparkly eyeshadow “really pop” says Lauryn Lawrence-Leroux, the image consultant hired by SEPTÆ. 

She went on to explain some of the other initial changes, which include separate cars for Wharton students, with a complimentary suit steaming service, LaCroix bottle service, and a piece of sandpaper for when shedding season gets to be a little bit too much. 

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due. Also, Gatorade. 

Lawrence-Leroux said that SEPTÆ will continue implementing these changes as Penn’s community demands but says that the most likely next step is completely isolating any Penn student from the realities of the train system by putting them in sensory deprivation pods and rolling them through the tunnels.