OP-ED: Add the Quaker to Smash Bros, You Cowards

Nintendo, hear me out.

Smash Bros Ultimate has the series’ biggest roster yet, and I’m so glad it does. The inclusion of so many third-party characters is a breath of fresh air, and has opened the door to the addition of lots of fun new characters in the future.

It’s time for you to step up to the occasion and take the cultural phenomenon that is Super Smash Bros to the next level: add the Quaker to the game. 

I can hear the haters already: “What? The Quaker isn’t even a video game character,” or “What makes Penn State’s mascot so special he gets into Smash, but Geno doesn’t?” They don’t know what they’re talking about.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character. I know that has you terrified. But for all of our sakes you have to try.

Sure, he may be a furry, but I promise he won’t be weird around Isabelle. He’s stood up against rampant campus sexualization of founding father Ben Franklin, so you know he’s a good guy.

I know this is uncharted territory, and I know that you’re scared. I leave you with these words of encouragement that I hope will allay your concerns:

Add the Quaker, you cowards.