OP-ED: Are You Sneaking a Banana out of Commons or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Oh, hey there! Didn’t expect to bump into you here in front of 1920 Commons, Penn’s premier dining hall. How is everything? It’s been so long since I last saw you! What have you been up to?

Not to be bold —I  know we haven’t seen each other in ages, so it’s entirely possible you’re just very excited to see me — but is that a banana in your pants?

If it is, nice. I’m about to go steal some fruits, too. My friend Martin is a freshman and he’s swiping me in. I’ve been really lonely lately, so I was thinking of picking up some juicy citrus fruits. I might grab an apple, perhaps a kiwi or even a pear if I’m feeling adventurous. I could even grab a banana, like you seem to have maybe done.

If it isn’t, wow. I—I’m happy to see you too. It’s been so long, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see you again. It feels like just yesterday we were freshmen, coming here to this very dining hall and getting dinner together. I always felt like we had a special connection…it’s so good to see you feel the same way.

So if that is, in fact, a large banana stuffed in your crotch region, not unlike how an acorn is stuffed into a chipmunk’s cheek pouch: bon appétit!

If that isn’t a banana, what are you up to tonight?