OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

How many times a day do you shit? What color are they? How cohesive are they? If your answers after every meal isn't dark brown with a greenish hue and like a log, then you probably don’t shop at Trader Joe’s. I shop at Trader Joe’s, and I think everyone should know that my shits are probably better than yours are.

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. I don’t want to know how often you guys shit; it will just make me sad. I don’t even need coffee to squeeze one out, although I drink it anyway just to make them extra spectacular. 

If you want to poop like me, which I’m sure by now you all do, then just visit your local Trader Joe’s. With the best products at affordable prices, we can all poop like God himself is squeezing our sphincters.