“Works Every Time”: Chief Wellness Officer Suggests Microdosing Parental Affection

In a bombshell statement made last Tuesday, Benoit Dubé, Penn's recently appointed Chief Wellness Officer, encouraged stressed-out students to skip the LSD and just “microdose on familial affection.”

“For those of you who don’t know, microdosing is when you take a small amount of a drug — not enough to get you high, of course, but just enough to give you a little kick.” explained the wellness officer. “Sure, we’ve all tried microdosing LSD and cocaine — who hasn’t? But today, I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.”

Students and staff all around campus have taken Dubé’s advice — and the results speak for themselves.

“I really stepped back and re-examined my life after I heard what Dubé had to say,” Walter Salinas (W ‘20) confided to UTB. “No more crack for me. Now I exclusively huff the fumes from the lacquerware giraffe my mom bought for me during Parents’ Weekend.”

Ernest Whitman (E ‘21) has incorporated affectionate microdosing into his daily routine.

“Wake up. Stare at picture of Mom. Eat breakfast at dining hall. Pull out portrait of Dad. Go to class. Take a shower. Picture of the family dog: at the ready,” Whitman said, manically scratching the side of his neck.

“No doubt, ‘familial affection’ can mean something a little different to each and every person,” Dubé explained while examining a Ziploc bag full of weed and smiling warmly. “All I know is that it works every time!”

As part of a related CAPS initiative to help students reconnect with family, your uncle will be stationed on campus starting next week.

Let’s be real, he’s a father figure to all of us.