Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

Nothing lifts up the spirits more than warm weather making its way across campus with frat boys lounging on decaying couches, women wearing sundresses that reveal the purplish-blue color of their shivering knees, flowers framing your view of overflowing trash cans on Walnut. What bliss! 

This sensory overload profoundly affected Marissa Williams (E ‘20), who was on the cusp of her fourth official mental breakdown of the semester. However, as soon as she saw that it was 55° and cloudy outside, she was confident her troubles were behind her. On that same tepid Thursday she ordered an iced vanilla latte at Pret and didn’t even burst into tears when she spilled it all over herself while walking down Locust because it emblematized her helpless existence and inability to take care of even the most basic adult operations, which would probably prevent her from getting a job after graduation and leave her isolated in the world with only a gold-framed engineering degree to her name. Marissa is on the up and up!

UTB reporters asked Marissa how she expected the temperature change to impact her life, she told them, “I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets. I wish antidepressants worked this well!” 

When asked how she would feel if the temperature dipped or grew exceedingly hot early in the year due to climate change, she declined to comment.