Pledge Given Sock by Senior Brother, Is Finally Free

Calling the incident both “regrettable” and “a bad look for Chris,” representatives from Penn’s Phi Epsilon Epsilon fraternity confirmed Friday that Chris Hancock, a senior brother, had, in fact, given a pledge a sock. 

Universally known as a “gigantic fuck-up,” providing a sock to a pledge calls for immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council. 

“Dude, if you don’t keep your socks padlocked in your dresser, like, you’re not a true brother. Like, if you don’t do that, who do you even know here?” said Phi Ep rush chair Sid Martin. Martin added he was worried that the other pledges would start to unionize after seeing what gains the freed pledge, Trevor Dinkle, had made. 

“Duh, we all wanted socks, but that doesn't mean we actually got them. That’s not what pledging is about — it’s about suffering to the point of numbness with a group of your best boys. We all went through it. The color was drained from all of our day-to-day lives through ceaseless and pointless bodily harm, but we did it together. Trev should have to do the same.” Said an emphatic Martin, who says is he completely happy with his decision to join Greek life.

At press time, Martin announced that Hancock would be running “enough naked laps to last him a lifetime.”