Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

It was quite the scene earlier this week on Locust Walk, as an interesting spectacle unfolded on the compass. As usual, there was a student attempting to hand out copies of the Daily Pennsylvanian to passerby. With each person that passed, College sophomore Sophia Arias extended a sad hand with a copy of a drooping paper, her eyes pleading that someone complete the gesture. As is the life of a DP employee though, she was only met with disappointment.  

Finally, however, something magical happened. Tom Bradley (E’ 20) decided to put an end to this cycle. “I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her.” Walking up to the compass, Bradley reached out a friendly hand and graciously relieved Arias of her last copy of the DP. He started walking away feeling pretty great about the situation, but the vibe soon changed.

Just like in The Exorcism, Arias’s head rapidly spun 180 degrees, her eyes fully white and wide open. She, or maybe “it” is more appropriate at this point, screamed out in a piercing call, “My burden is lifted! I no longer must walk this Earth in pain!” Arias’ lifeless body suddenly collapsed to the cobblestone floor as a high-pitched screech radiated throughout the air. The tortured spirit was finally put to rest. As soon as it started it was over, and the patrons of Locust Walk were only left with the fleeting thought “What the fuck just happened”.

Bradley felt good that he could help an end to this horrible curse, but was honestly a little upset that all he got out of it was a copy of a school newspaper.