Student Tour Guide Ditches Facts, Talks About the Time He Was Body-Slammed into a Concrete Frat House Patio

In an exciting break from tradition, the Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.

During their revamped tours, some tour guides talked about working together in group projects. Others talked about the various community service initiatives they were involved in at Penn.

Billy Emerick (C ‘20) had other plans.

“It was like, this guy was charging at me and tried to pick me up,” Emerick recalled, explaining to his tour group why he was body-slammed into a cold, concrete frat house patio last semester. “It took a few weeks for the bruises to fade, but I’m alright now!”

Emerick’s sinful yet colorful retellings have been met with mixed reactions from tour attendees.

“Daddy, can we go home already?” a five-year-old girl wailed as Emerick continued to detail his weekly drinking habits and all around decline in moral character since his arrival at Penn.

“Absolutely disgusting,” one parent commented. “Are these the values Ben Franklin is instilling in our nation’s impressionable youth?”

High schoolers throughout the crowd were high-key impressed, but played it cool by giving small nods of approval after each of Emerick's stories.

Overall, the new tours have proven effective, with prospective students and parents paying more attention than ever to their plucky tour guides.

“Who cares if the student to faculty ratio is 6 to 1?” Emerick said with gusto. “I gotta tell the people about the real Penn. Like the time I did body shots off a pig! Woo!”