OP-ED: I've Got Huge Balls, but Not Because I Have Mumps

Not a brag or anything, bro, but I've got huge balls. 

Seriously, they're massive. When I'm about to do something stupid with my boys, and somebody asks me if I really have the balls to do it, I can always answer with complete honesty, "Yes."

But let me make one thing very clear: despite my colossal stones, I do not have mumps.

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph. The key word here is huge.

Enormous, even. That's what my old girlfriend used to call them, anyway. She transferred, though, so don't ask her or anything.

But anyway, the point is that my nuts are large and in charge but not from swelling due to the mumps virus. I swear dude, I'm clean.

So guys, please quit busting my balls – I mean, bothering me – about this mumps thing.