Jeb Bush Stresses Importance of Limited Government Unless He Can Be Part of It

New Presidential Professor of Practice Jeb Bush spoke early this year at an event sponsored by the Federalist Society, stressing the importance of limited government and checks on abuses of power. At the time, Jeb “Babyboy” Bush seemed strongly committed to his ideas, even lacking his traditional saddened slump and downcast eyes.

However, this week, Jeb looked more like Jeb!, and the bushy-eyed former governor of Florida seemed to have reversed his position, saying he would love limited government, “unless [he] could be a part of it.”

“Please,” pleaded the esteemed professor, governor, and former presidential candidate, “please let me be a part of the government. I’ll be a democrat, a republican, a communist, a Yankees fan – literally anything. Please. I need this.”

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected. It has to happen, right?”

Bush said that once he gets elected, to “any position at all, including unpaid internships” he might reverse course on his hardline policies on limited government. 

“If they let me in, I’m going to mess with that Constitution thing so that any person with the name ‘Jeb Bush’ cannot legally be excluded from the government. I’m tired of not being invited to events. Just one cocktail party. Even a quick convo in the Senate bathroom. I’m starved for interaction.”

Bush ended his speech with an appeal to the audience of students to write to their representatives to let him do anything, any possible thing, that meant he’d be included in politics again. He gave out pins with “please clap,” “no, the other bush" and "no the other other bush," prior to the event. The event was attended by five people, all of whom believed this was an event sponsored by the University's Horticultural Society and were left with a heavy dose of confusion. 

Bush finished his speech to the now-empty theater, tears running down his face, whispering "please" to the unforgiving darkness, as the last drop of his ambition rolled through his fingers onto the stage, along with the last of his oft-abused dignity.