OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job

Hey, guys. It’s your pal Claudia again. I know everyone at this school has been closely following me on my quest to find a job  with little to no practical skills or credentials, and you might be surprised to know that, three whole weeks into my search, I still haven’t found that elusive dream job that I am completely under-qualified for. But don’t cry for me, Philadelphia, because I haven’t given up yet. Deep in my heart, I know that I’m going to get a good job with all the benefits I need, like being able to tell my mom I have a job.

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes. I have about 500 Facebook friends, but I’m sure people are going to share the status, because they’re all so proud.

Hell, I want to tell everyone. I want to scream from the rooftops: I have a job, world! I’ve conned The Man into paying me for my time (for which I’ve done the math, and I think is worth about $5/hour). But, of course, I haven’t done that yet. Soon, though. And then my mom will probably be super proud of me.