OP-ED: This Lent I'm Giving up Sex (Not Butt Stuff Tho lol)

Hi. 

I’m a Catholic. 

That means I love Jesus. 

That also means that I celebrate Lent. For those of you who don’t know, Lent is a special time of year. It’s the 40 days that lead up to Easter. It’s supposed to replicate the forty days that Jesus spent in the desert, where he was tempted by the devil! As a good Catholic, I know that I need to use these 40 days as a time of repentance, reflection, and rejuvenation. I love Lent, because it really helps me reconnect with my faith.

One of the best ways to reconnect with Jesus during Lent is to say a lot of prayers. Another way to do it is to give up something really important to you so that you grow closer to Jesus — “man shall not live on bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4). After a lot of thought, I decided to give up sex this Lenten season. 

Now wait a minute, you might ask, aren’t Catholics not supposed to have sex until marriage? Although the answer *might* be yes, I don’t let that stop me from getting my rocks off. Above everything else, Catholicism is a religion of forgiveness. So long as I genuinely repent for my sins, my soul is as clean as it was after my baptism! Sure, maybe I somehow end up in Ben from ZBT’s bed every Saturday night, but that’s ok — so long as I wake up and go to church on Sunday and tell Father Joe all about it. 

But it’s Lent now. It’s time to get serious. 

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore. Nuh uh. Nada. He’s getting nothing from me. 

Except anal. Any good Catholic knows that anal doesn’t count. 

Ever heard of the poophole loophole? It’s a thing. Look it up. Believe me. So long as Ben only comes in the back door, I’m set. God doesn’t care.