Courageous! This Vegan Convert Is Swearing off Man-Meat

Veganism has transformed Sydney Gerbelman’s life, and she wants you to know that it can do the same for you. 

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life. “All the women in the group are honestly so supportive and so fun to be around,” gushes Gerbleman, “and I eat really healthy now to boot.” When Gerbleman first joined the club, she was still dating Ben from ZBT, but very quickly she discovered that Ben wasn’t supportive of her new lifestyle. “I tried really hard to explain to him that I had to swear off meat of all stripes,” says Gerbleman, “but he just didn’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t go down on him anymore.” 

Jasmine Song, the current president of V.A.G., explains further. “Men are pigs, pigs are animals, and vegans don’t eat animal products. It’s really quite that simple.” At first, Song had some trouble convincing Gerbleman to go full vegan. “It took a couple of candlelit dinners to make her understand why it’s so necessary to swear off man-meat in all its forms, but eventually Sydney came around,” remarks Song. 

Now, Gerbleman has fully embraced her man-meat free lifestyle. “Why would I ever want to flirt with danger and put meat anywhere near my mouth when I can get more pleasure from chowing down on eggplant of ample length and girth?” she explains. 

“We’re very proud that Jasmine has taken this huge step on her vegan journey,” says Song, “and to commemorate her accomplishments we’ve given her her very own carabiner.”

“I don’t know what it is or how it works, but I absolutely love it,” says a beaming Gerbelmen. “Before I had this, men just wouldn’t leave me alone. But now, men have stopped trying to peddle their pork products to me, and I’ve never felt so good. I owe Jasmine so much.”

Ever since Gerbleman joined V.A.G. and started hanging around Song more, her friends have noticed that she has become much more bubbly and happy. “I’m not quite sure what’s going on,” says her best friend Logan Piperman, “but this vegan diet is really working.” 

Some people are still skeptical about veganism, but Gerbleman insists that it works wonders. “Sometimes people ask me if I ever get man-meat cravings, and I tell them without hesitation that I absolutely do not. Ever since Jasmine helped me start my vegan diet I’ve come to so many realizations,” says Gerbleman, her eyes glazed over as if she were daydreaming. “And I’ve come so many times, too.”