New Research Says Minimum Wage Should Be Tied to Price of Vladimir Vodka

America, you deserve a raise. People from all political walks of life have decried the $7.50 an hour minimum wage. Finally, some concrete evidence has come to support an increase.

New research from Wharton Public Drinking Initiative says to disregard the so called “$15 per hour” pushed for by all the leftist Democratic Presidential Candidates. Operations, Information, and Drinking Professor Aleksei Tolenka says, “All people really need to live is a nice handle of Vladimir Vodka.”

The philosophy behind it is simple: working for one hour gives you the equivalent of one handle of vodka. It is very popular in the Eastern Bloc countries and has proven to be rather effective at sedating any potential revolutionaries.

In order to calculate what the true minimum wage should be, we took a weighted average pre-tax price of all Vladimir Vodkas sold in the Greater Philadelphia Area. This came out to $7.79 an hour.

So there you go America. After years of protesting, you are finally getting the 29 cent raise you deserve. Happy drinking!