Penn Administration Vows to Reject Bribery, Opts to Raise Own Salaries Again Instead

In the wake of the college admissions scandal that unfolded over the past week, the University of Pennsylvania has made a promise to its students and staff that there will be zero tolerance for admissions officers and coaches who take bribes from the families of prospective students. Therefore, in an effort to combat the temptation of bribes, Penn has vowed to give its entire administration $500,000 raises.

In an exclusive comment to Under the Button, Dean of Admissions Eric Furda explained, “We are raising salaries to mitigate the effect of bribery. It breaks my heart that so much of Penn’s faculty is relying on hundreds of thousands of dollars of illegal money in order to maintain their modestly luxurious lifestyles. It can be really difficult dealing with the pressure to break the law and violate any existing moral code for some easy cash. I believe that this $500,000 pay increase will make accepting bribes obsolete. Unless, like, it’s a huge, big bribe. But c’mon now, you can’t expect anyone to resist that. It’s a joke relax, I’m just kidding.”