Report: 97% of SHS Funding Goes to Futuristic Elevators Rather Than Healthcare

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.

A recent report by the UA showed that 97% of Student Health Services' funding went to the construction and upkeep of its elevators that are straight out of the year 3000.  

For those that have been so unlucky as to have never stepped foot into the beautiful, 1970s brutalist health building on 36th and Market, the elevators are something out of a Silicon Valley tech-mogul’s wet dream. 

You select your destination of choice on a fancy touch screen that can only be described as the iPad’s biggest competitor. You are then directed to the elevator that will bring you to the floor of your choice, you enter the elevator, and within the blink of an eye, you are released into the magical world of mono-infested students and STD tests. 

“I mean, the doctor only gave me some Neosporin and a band-aid for my gonorrhea, but I didn’t even care 'cuz the elevators were so fucking sick,” Ryan Stevens (C’19) told UTB staff. 

The remaining 3% of SHS’ budget goes to maintaining the health and wellness of 24,000 students.