“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school.

Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.

“It’s not that I’m bummed I didn’t get into Stanford — really, I’m not. Penn was my top choice, even though I applied early to Stanford. I swear,” he insisted, unconvincingly.

“But if we’re being honest, there is a fair chance that I didn’t get in because my place was taken by some rich twat whose parents have way too much money. That’s probably exactly what happened. Why else would I have not gotten in?”

“This whole thing just has me really upset. I got into Penn because I studied hard, did lots of extracurriculars, and put a lot of effort into my application essays. I may not have gotten into Stanford, but at least I didn’t break the law trying.”

“I didn’t even realize bribery was an option. Would have saved me a lot of stress in high school,” Wharton senior Antonia Norton, who was an ED admit, concurred.

“I’m proud of the fact that our admissions process is fair and that our admissions officers don’t take bribes. Absolutely nobody is guaranteed a spot at our school, and I think that’s great.”

“I mean, yeah, this all sucks, but I was ED so I didn’t even apply to Stanford in the first place. I was looking at Princeton, but I decided that I’d be a better fit at Penn,” she said, smugly.