Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

Going in, these talks were hailed as a revolutionary step in the path towards diplomacy. In the press, this meeting was to be the end of years of controversy, which has included Kim disavowing President Trump through his preferred medium, Twitter. He had responded by going on a fierce tirade against Kim, thus alienating the entire Kardashian family against him, as well as the thousands of entertainment starved teenagers following along on their phones. 

However, the years of controversy were supposed to have ended today, with a summit meeting that was to decide the steps towards lifting Twitter blockades and the process towards de-escalation of tensions in social media. 

Leading up the historic event, held in the neutral city of Des Moines, Iowa (neutral because no one knows what or where it is), the media crews for both sides were ready to pounce upon any weakness. When Kim’s heel broke and her attendant wasn’t fast enough to carry her into the personal litter appointed for this purpose, policy experts feared the worst.

“There’s nothing Kim hates more than embarrassment,” said CIA analyst Jordie Smithson, although he did admit that her ire might be split due to the “Jordyn Woods issue,” and that it was “unclear right now” and the “Agency’s top priority.” 

However, the talks broke down when Kim asked for her first concession: the appointment of her sister Khloe Kardashian as an amasser to the show “The Bachelorette,” where she could get over her “heartbreak” after learning that her ex Tristan Thompson had cheated on her with another Kardashian sister’s best friend. 

“I refuse to compromise on this issue,” said Kim Kardashian, reality star.

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”

The president ended his speech after this comment, although he did later tweet that “We [the United States] do NOT negotiate with terrorists,” leaving Americans confused if this comment was about Kim, the crisis in Syria, or his usual method of dealing with Congress.

With both sides pointing fingers, it is unclear what will happen next, but there is hope for another meeting, in which Kim will be expected to ask for her sister Kylie to receive a cabinet position, since she’s at least as qualified as the other candidates.