Wawa to Start Charging for Water, Entire Freshman Class Dies of Thirst

In a shocking move (predicted by UTB over a year ago), the popular chain Wawa will begin charging for cups. Customers who used to take advantage of the offer of free water from the convenience store, will now need to buy a drink at the counter in order to fill up and stay hydrated. 

While, of course, a person could bring their own cup to the store, given the average capacity for a drunk Penn student to consider future consequences, this is highly unlikely. The store made this move mostly out of the desire to cut down on the thousands of students who came in purely for the sub-par tap water that the store has been passing off as bottled for years.

However, the consequences of this move, as were seen today, are far harsher than was predicated. Over 30 members of the freshman class have already died from thirst, having relied entirely on Wawa for their daily water intake. The crisis will only rise from here, with a projected total death rate of 90% within two weeks. 

Dr. Ronald Ye (C ’88), an expert on thirst related deaths says that the other 10%, who are surviving on stores of Wawa water and by driving to other stores that haven’t been hit by the change yet, will be dead within a month. “It’s tragic,” said Dr. Ye. “But all of the medical professionals agree – this class is just far too thirsty to survive, and this Wawa incident has proved that once and for all.”

According to one student, Jessica Hernandez-Jameson (C ’22), even though she begged her roommate to “just take a little sip” from their communal Brita, her efforts were in vain. “She said if it wasn’t from Wawa, it wasn’t water,” Hernandez-Jameson recounted tearfully. “I can’t believe this – who is going to split the rent with me at the Radian next year? God, this all such a horrible mess.” 

While Hernandez-Jameson has a stockpile of Wawa water and can hold out for few more weeks, others are not as lucky. Harrison Scherr (W ’22) told reporters he could “feel [his] body giving out” and that him and his friends would most likely be dead before the week was out. 

Student Health Services has planned to send an appeal to Wawa in order to reverse the decision, but given the average wait time at SHS, this may take centuries, at which point it will be too late. Affected students are advised to share water amongst themselves, remain strong in the face of this struggle, and “face their incoming deaths with the true dignity of a Penn student.”