OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework

There are a lot of things I’d do for a buck — don’t go crazy, though. I just mean like stealing a fork from Commons or something like that { Not to flex, but I’m a pretty good kid ~\_(*L*)_/~ }. There are just some forces in this life to which I refuse to submit myself. Standing proudly at the top position on that list: my writing sem homework. 

No quantity of immensely high-quality material goods, to which I would otherwise have no access, would repair the emotional wounds suffered when writing a rhetorical outline. It’s sad, but true. This is the reality I endure, and it is through this writing that I express my utter inability to carry on in this course. 

Some people say money can buy happiness, and it can. Ask my friends in Wharton. Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.