This 16 Year-Old On Tour in his Patagonia Quarter Zip Has It All Figured Out

Penn tour guide Darnell Samuelson (C '21) was wrapping up his second tour of the day when he noticed something peculiar. There was a high-school aged boy in the back of tour who just had it all figured out.

The boy’s name is John Ralthom, and, based on his Patagonia quarter-zip, fiscally conservative salmon colored pants, and disinterested attitude at the idea of going to one of the world’s finest schools, he’s a shoo-in according to admissions.

Ralthom agreed with Samuelson’s assertion that he indeed has it aaaaalll figured out. “What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college,” Ralthom said. “I’ve never faced failure in my life, and I never will.”

Troy Lambert, another high schooler on the tour, spoke to Ralthom briefly while walking down Locust Walk. “We talked about extracurriculars, and I said how I was just happy Penn offered so many great clubs, but Ralthom insisted he was going to be the head of the Debate Team and Penn Republicans if he had to settle on Penn,” Lambert explained. “Yeah John really has it aaaaaallllllll figured out now, doesn’t he?”

The only person who seemed to legitimately think Ralthom actually had it all figured out was Patrick Martinson, a brother in the off-campus Trios fraternity. “Oh yeah, that guy has the whole look down,” said Martinson. “I’ll have to see what his winter fit is to make sure he’s not skimping on his plush winter jacket, but goddamn if that boy doesn’t have it all figured out.”