How to Avoid Your Childhood Trauma by Developing an Astrology Obsession Instead

Are you a child of divorce? Did you attend 12 years of Catholic school? Is your hometown a painfully homogenous suburb of a postindustrial, mid-sized city in northern Delaware?

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, you probably have some childhood trauma to work through. 

Even if you didn't have any yeses, you likely have some childhood trauma buried somewhere. A great way to deal with this, especially if you are a lapsed Catholic like me, is to turn to astrology.

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood. Astrology, on the other hand, is a breath of fresh air and a great way to instantly rid yourself of all childhood trauma.

Adhering to astrology only requires two steps:

1. Abandon objectivity, rationality, and any of your perceptions of the world around you

2. Download an app called Co—Star and add all of your friends / romantic pursuits  (Co—Star, if you're reading this, please make me a brand ambassador)

There! You're done. Just be sure to read the arbitrary info on the app and process your past, present, and future using the app's information only.