Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections

In a surprise move, the President of the University of Pennsylvania has declared her candidacy for President of the Undergraduate Assembly (UA) for the 2019-2020 year. Amy Gutmann has served as the eighth President of the University, soon to be the longest serving president in the University’s tenure. She is also the Christopher H. Browne Distinguished Professor of Political Science and Professor of Communication in the Annenberg School.

Now, she wants to take on a position with real responsibility: student government. 

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”

In a speech projected over the emergency broadcast system, she commanded students to vote for her, promising, “Of course this isn’t an absolutist, dictatorial consolidation of total power in a unilateral, monarch-like figure. Why would you think that? Is it because I am promising to remove all other members of the UA and rule alone once elected? That is for your own good, students. For your own good.” 

The broadcast included a brief overview of her platform, which focuses on “monetary infusions to this school, prosperity for the educational institution we all attend, and increasing the assists afforded to the fine institution of the University of Pennsylvania.” Gutmann promises to implement this plan by charging all students in the College one hundred dollars per sheet of printing. She reportedly feels confident that taxing two-thirds of the undergraduate student body won't negatively affect her chances, since “it's not like people actually vote in these things," and "it literally takes like six, maybe seven votes to win.”

Gutmann was also spotted in the Quad supporting her campaign, paying someone to write her slogan, “You get money. I get money. We all get money. Money,” in chalk on the Locust Walk. She even made a rare appearance on campus, making a campaign stop in Perry World House and promising a selfie for every vote cast.

Per UA regulations, she stopped short of forcing people to vote with a computer and instead stood behind them and stared at their screens as they hastily filled out their ballots while whispering veiled threats such as “tuition hikes” and “defunding CAPS.”

Several other candidates, who wished to remain unnamed so as to not have their tuition raised in retaliation, have questioned Gutmann’s qualifications. One such individual, a junior also running for UA president, asked, “What exactly has she done to prepare for the hardcore, knock-out, drag-down, bare-knuckled, cruel, and also savage environment of collegiate governance? Has she ever campaigned for completely unachievable goals that have zero chance of coming to fruition? Has she ever planned overly expensive events with ridiculously low turnout? Most importantly — where the hell is her Facebook profile picture frame?”

In the final hours of the election, Gutmann has planned to ramp up her campaign presence around campus. Reportedly, she has instructed police to stop students and demand to see their ballot before allowing entrance into important school buildings like Starbucks, Copa, and &pizza. The punishment for voting against Gutmann is immediate expulsion from the University or execution, whichever would be “more shameful for your family.”