If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

In about a month, classes will cease. In those final few weeks of class, the great migration will commence. Penn students will, one by one, flock to summer jobs in New York and D.C.. In the fall, the students will return home to Penn. The confidence of extra padding built upon their resumes will help them get through the emotional turmoil of staying up late and failing classes. This is the simple truth. 

But not for me, bitches. 

You think I thought far enough ahead to secure a summer position? False. You think I feel bad about it even though my mom says its okay? True. But I have a backup plan. I recently opened the applications are now open to be my summer lover! And you know Penn kids gobbled it up.

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!” They would then apply anyway, baited with the toxic competitiveness that plagues every Penn student. 

How does having a summer lover make up for my lack of a summer position, you ask? It doesn’t, mom. I’m working on it, okay?