Jerome Allen Received $300,000 in Bribes, Still Lowest Paid Wharton Grad

After nationwide scrutiny, a controversial Wharton graduate has finally released his 2015 tax returns: Jerome Allen.

We were one of the first publications to get an exclusive look.

Following a careful and thoughtful examination and review, we concluded that most of the documents were pretty boring and confusing to read, to be honest. However, one piece of information stood out. 

Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000. According to a representative to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”

Unsurprisingly, it appears that he made an undisclosed amount of money by “coaching basketball not as well as Steve Donahue.” An additional $300,000 came from “getting bribed lmao hope the FBI doesn’t see this.”

However, the current Boston Celtics assistant coach notably lost over $80,000 of his earnings to something called “Postmates” (more investigation to come).

Allen did not respond to multiple requests for comment about how this must be highkey embarrassing. However, his answering machine does say, “Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now… I’m kind of on my way to prison.”

The release of Allen’s tax returns comes at a contentious time for institutions of higher learning in regards to the admissions practices.

In an email to the DP, Penn Athletics said they are testing all student-athletes to make sure they’re actually athletic enough to be Division I athletes. The tests require all athletes to touch their head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.

Although almost all of Penn’s athletes have “sufficiently passed,” anonymous sources indicate that Penn men’s basketball’s AJ Brodeur cannot touch his toes.

“The future of Penn Athletics looks bright,” said Penn Athletics Director M. Grace Calhoun, “I don’t see any corruption in our future.”