Penn Sees Largest Applicant Pool to Date Thanks to 44,960 Naïve Fools in Over Their Heads

Elite colleges across the nation saw historically large application numbers this year and Penn is no exception. According to the Admissions Office, the class of 2023 had the largest applicant pool in Penn’s history. Many attribute this to increasing competitiveness in college admissions and lower acceptance rates. Regardless, Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them.

Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 

They think Penn is all hook-ups and beer pong. They think they are going to have a good time in one of the most exciting cities in the country and on a campus with a thriving social scene and Greek life. They think that just because they are adults on their own for the first time in their life that it’s going to be “fun.” Boy oh boy, do they have another think coming. 

Penn is all-nighters in the library and railing Adderall for breakfast. Penn is spending 96 straight hours on a problem set just to get a B. Penn is intentionally giving your classmates an inaccurate study guide to boost the curve. It’s a fucking grind and it’s cutthroat at best. How cute it is that there are so many high schoolers out there who excelled in their graduating class of 300 people and think that they have what it takes to handle the immense workload and constant stress of Penn. Oh, wow, you got a 5 on the Microeconomics AP test? Get in line, kid. 

When asked how she plans to cope with the unending hell that Penn is, Jenna Shelton, an incoming member of the class of 2023, replied, “I’m honestly not too concerned about it. It's actually very possible to strike a healthy balance between academics, social life, and personal wellness as long as you prioritize what …” but then the quote ends there because I stopped listening because she’s fucking wrong and stupid. How did she even get into Penn in the first place? Anyone with one iota of experience with the inferno people like Shelton cheerily call "UPenn" knows it is impossible to do anything other than perpetual labor here. 

I envy the students who were rejected and will end up going to their state schools where they can continue being the smartest person in the room. To each of the 3,345 students who were accepted: Run while you still can. You are in over your head. Save yourself while you still can.

At press time, I, the writer of this piece, was able to secure another extension on my paper. In retrospect, I redact the negative comments about the University of Pennsylvania I inaccurately peppered into this piece, and I sincerely regret the error. In light of this new information, I'd like to extend my congratulations to the incoming class of 2023! Also, wanna do Sink or Swim tonight?