OP-ED: I'm a Liquor Control Enforcement Officer and My Job Is Very Important

Greetings Penn community. I am your friendly campus Liquor Control Enforcement Officer. This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."

As we all know, liquor is dangerous and addictive. But worst of all, it is illegal. Imagine if 18-20 year old adults were able to make their own decisions? They might have a shot of vodka or a rum and coke and end up in prison. Penn students need older men, like myself, to snitch on them for their safety.  

Also, little known fact, intoxication can lead to reckless, unintended behavior. Very often, when college students consume alcohol, they do things they wouldn’t do normally like dance at a concert or talk to a new person at a party, for example. I can’t sleep at night knowing that this is the kind of debaucherous behavior Penn students get up to on Friday and Saturday nights. 

That is why I dedicate my life to assuring that nobody is getting “lit” or “having fun." Where would you be without me?