Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

After years of terrorizing commuters, travelers, and students who flex by taking Amtrak instead of Megabus, the man releasing birds into 30th St. Station has finally been apprehended. Police say the suspect, 45-year-old Barry Weiner, was caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase 30 black market sparrows.

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.

“We are happy to finally end the terror caused by the 30th Street Bird Menace. We lost good men in the process” — referring to the squadron who ran in front of an oncoming train after being chased by a flock of birds — “but it was worth it.”

“At last, people can wait for their trains in peace,” he said, holding the door open just long enough for a bird to fly in.