If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling

It’s no secret that mental health is a prominent issue on Penn’s campus. And in recent years, the administration has — arguably — taken active steps to provide more mental wellness resources to the student body. Huntsman closing at 2 a.m.? Brilliant. Task force? Life-changing. Forcing all sophomores to live on-campus? I've never heard of a better idea.

So imagine my complete and utter surprise when the Fling headliner was revealed and it wasn’t even the Jonas Brothers. 

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.

I think it’s safe to say that the University really missed the mark here.

To be honest, I don’t understand how this could have happened. Is the Penn administration still mad about the fact that Joe dumped Taylor Swift in a 27-second phone call? Because I can promise that he’s grown since then.

Look, I know the recently reunited boy band is incredibly famous and probably expensive to bring to Fling, but the Jonas Brothers are worth every dime (and that includes the three dimes that would be onstage).

I'm sure that there’s a way that this can happen. Just fire every therapist from CAPS and use the money you saved to purchase those three hotties. After Fling, it’s not like you’ll need CAPS, anyways. Once the Jo Bros perform, I can pretty much guarantee that there will no longer be any mental health issues on campus. Nick is so cute.

And hey, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. The mental wellness of the student body is extremely important to me. So, please, it is imperative that you check out my Change.org petition entitled “The Ability to Have the Jonas Brothers at Fling.”

Couldn’t you at least get one of the brothers to perform? I’ll even settle for Kevin.