President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

Joining an already-crowded pool of politicians vying for their party’s nomination, president of Penn Democrats Joshua Silverman (C '20) declared Monday his intentions to run for the most powerful office in world, citing the presence of “issues” and “problems” in the government, as well as “things that are not going well.”

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”

Silverman has an impressive track record as the leader of Penn Democrats, presiding over a successful voter registration drive, a date night, a formal, another date night, and a party. Membership in the club increased 200% in the fall, although some claim this was due to the automatic registration of every student who mentioned a belief in “equality” in the their Common App.

When asked how he stands out in the race, Silverman replied, “I’ll bring a fresh new face to the Democratic Party. Also, there are only forty other neoliberals running. I believe I’m the best one.”