OP-ED: Is My Professor Too Busy to Respond to My Emails or Are They Playing Hard to Get?

Professor Morris,

You like to play coy during class, but don’t deny that you can feel the sexual tension between us. There’s such a palpable tension in the air that my God! I don’t know how we can control ourselves and stay decent in front of the other 54 students in your 9:00 a.m..

Just one problem. Despite all of this, you never answer my emails. Never. My pleas for help go unanswered, my test scores keep tanking, and my stated love for you goes unrequited. 

Maybe you’re just busy, or maybe you’re playing hard to get. Honestly, the fact that you feel the need to play games with me is completely juvenile. You’re not even being subtle about it. When you handed back last week’s problem set, what do I see at the top of the page but a giant “69”? Now, maybe I’m reading too much into this, but c’mon, a 69? A 69? There’s only one place people give 69, Professor, and it certainly isn’t on Homework Assignment 3. Oh, and don’t even get me started on that big fat D you gave me on the last exam. You and I both know that I deserved a least a C- on that exam, but no, you just couldn’t control yourself, could you? It's obvious what you really want.

Honestly, why don’t you stop fucking my GPA and start fucking me instead? Like, yeah sure you could get fired for that, but also, you’re pretty cute so who could blame me? And honestly, a 15 year age gap isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. To be honest, it’s creepy when people marry people that are close to them in age. That’s, like, marrying your twin or something right? That shit’s nasty. But you and me, Professor, we wouldn’t be nasty. We’d be nasty.

I need you to know that we’re literally perfect for each other. It’s inevitable that one day we’ll consummate our love for each other. Putting it off won’t change anything. So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about. Oh, and that homework grade, too. Stop being so coy, check your damn inbox, and let’s get down and dirty as soon as possible. 

Best,

Your Favorite Student