Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?

It’s a universally accepted truth that the best case scenario of getting an Ivy League degree is finding a partner who will make enough money to support both of you for the rest of your lives. With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future? Take this quiz to find out if your man has a future or if he’s going to die tomorrow.

1. How old is your man?

a) 16-74 years old

b) 75-89 years old

c) 90+ years old

2. How healthy are your man’s habits?

a) He goes to Pottruck and eats five apples every day

b) He eats salad sometimes if I force him

c) He eats tapioca pudding for dinner at 4 p.m. every day

3. How is his GPA?

a) 3.5+

b) 3.51-3.5

c) 2.5, but there was less grade inflation in the 1940s

4. Does your man have any serious diseases?

a) Healthy as a healthy horse

b) I don’t know, but he seems to go to SHS a lot

c) He has both heart disease and testicular cancer

5. Does your man have any job offers?

a) He’s already accepted an offer at Bain

b) No, but his friends have some connections

c) He’s already retired and living off his pension

6. How is his social circle?

a) He has a million friends of a million different races and genders

b) He hangs out with his roommates a lot

c) All of his friends who didn’t die in the war passed away a couple years ago

7. Does your man read a lot of Sylvia Plath?

a) He’s too busy with classes, sports, and extracurriculars

b) He sleeps with a copy of The Bell Jar next to his bed

c) He only reads books by veterans of WWI

8. Does your man listen to Frightened Rabbit?

a) Who?

b) That and Nirvana are the only bands he ever listens to

c) They don’t make them like Duke anymore

Results:

Mostly a’s: I think you can count on this stud being around for a long time.

Mostly b’s: There are a couple red flags, but it will probably be fine.

Mostly c’s: It is very likely your man dies tomorrow.