Guest Column by College Republicans | Why We Invited the Flayed Corpse of God to Campus

Few people know the story behind the flayed corpse of God. It first came into the public spotlight after the mere sighting of it stimulated mass fear and panic. The flayed corpse of God knows fear and panic well, and has continued to sow it throughout the mortal world. When the flayed corpse of God was greeted on campus by an angry hoard of mostly terrified students shouting “what the fuck," none of the usually vocal liberal groups defending religious freedom on campus or in the broader media came to its defense. Why?

The flayed corpse of God is clearly controversial. For one, does God even have a corpse? And, as a follow up, why is it flayed? Although this apparition of the Lord has repeatedly failed to acknowledge the reason for its existence, individuals continue to deem it as “a sign of the End Times," a “sign of God’s dissatisfaction with the human race," and an “abomination." A rudimentary knowledge of theology and astrology reveals the ridiculousness of these claims (the world is actually ending on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2069). 

We invited the flayed corpse of God because of the Lovecraftian horror it would unleash upon this campus. It is willing to “SUBJECT THE SOULS OF THE UNFAITHFUL TO THE FLAMES OF GEHENNA” for the sake of sowing fear, creating discord, and soaking up the drama.

We invited the flayed corpse of God because of its uniquely Republican message of the United States of America — a nation composed of individuals who may look different, but who ultimately share the same inescapable doom of being plunged into the fiery pits of Hell. Modern prosperity in America is a zero-sum game, where screaming, begging for mercy, or anything else will do nothing to quell the wrath of God. American success is a story of dog-eats-dog, as Americans across the country futilely try to escape their inevitable demise. This is the message that we thought that students of all political affiliations should hear as their time on Earth rapidly plunges to nil.