RESULTS: Penn Individual Student Survey

The results are in!

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted. Thanks to all of your responses, we here at UTB headquarters were able to attain some very valuable data about our readership.

Here’s some of the highlights:

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Overall, how do you feel about your time at Penn thus far?

We are pleased to see that a whopping 29 percent would describe their Penn experience as “saucy.” We hope to continue supplying this metaphorical sauce to the student body in the coming years.

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How satisfied have you been with the following aspects of your experience at Penn during the current academic year?

This data primarily shows that while a plurality of respondents are only “generally satisfied” with intellectual excitement at Penn, they are “extremely satisfied” with intellectual arousal at Penn. What this statistic means exactly is up to your interpretation.

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Hot or not?

This question was drastically polarizing, with respondents mainly divided between the two extremes of attractiveness. However, the majority of respondents agree that the Penn Quaker is, indeed, smokin’ hot. This is a huge social victory for our community.

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Quick! Find the minimum and maximum of f(x,y) = 5x - 3y subject to x^2 + y^2 = 136.

Sorry, guys. “420” and “69” were not the correct answers to this one. This was supposed to be a pretty simple and straightforward application of the method of Lagrange multipliers.

Hey, but don’t fret if you got this one wrong — we will allow you to drop one question from your final grade.

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Please help us categorize these miscellaneous objects.

This question produced some interesting results. Dean Furda, Wendell Pritchett, and Helvetica were all predominantly classified as “Lawful Good.” People tended to label Amy Gutmann, Jeb Bush, and a Patagonia-donning 16-year-old on tour as “Lawful Evil.” Finally, Donald Trump as well as Ben from ZBT were intensely categorized as “Chaotic Evil.”

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Hey. Put down your phone. Look up and take in your surroundings. Tell me what you see. Be brief.

This question was mobile specific. Here is a word cloud of the responses:

Popular keywords include “despair,” “sad,” and “penis.”

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During the current academic year, how often, if ever, have you…

While students are reluctant to microdose, many have no problem with pregaming office hours. Furthermore, a good proportion of students have ridden a skateboard and used a yoyo at the same time on campus. This is a deeply concerning statistic, and one which we will work toward reducing.

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How would you describe your political views? Choose wisely.

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure how to interpret these results. It makes for good modern art though.

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Lightning round!

Here are the percentages for each set of choices:

Freedom (72.37%) vs Security (27.63%)

Pat’s King of Steaks (53.46%) vs Geno’s Steaks (46.54%)

Morning wood (60.31%) vs breakfast sausage (39.69%)

Penn Bookstore (53.05%) vs Penn Book Center (46.95%)

Bach (63.00%) vs The Bachelor (37.00%)

Stay (51.07%) vs Go (48.93%)

And those are the results!

Thank you for taking the PISS, and thank you for letting us take the piss out of you.