5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

Getting an internship can be tough. You send out application after application just to get rejected. Many times, you won’t even be dignified with a response. Despite the challenging process, there is nothing like the feeling of finally getting that summer internship. It is a huge confidence boost. And, yes, the internship wasn’t from any of the 30 organizations you applied to. It’s an internship with your dad’s college roommate who comes to Passover every year and also happens to be Chief Development Strategist at IBM, but still, awesome gig — and they wanted you!

Here are five ways to rock that newfound confidence.

1. Start wearing a neckerchief.

All that confidence has to have some way to physically manifest itself. It should probably be manifested in a neckerchief. Neckerchiefs look wealthy, and, with your paid internship, you are now wealthy! I mean, you were already wealthy: that’s how you got this internship. But the neckerchief will help you rock it.  

2. Order a venti, iced Caramel Cloud Macchiato every day at Stommons.

Big dick energy? More like big internship energy, am I right, ladies? Stommons is not a full-fledged Starbucks and was not set up to accommodate the nonsense of Starbucks seasonal drinks. This fact should not stop you. You are now the paid intern for marketing and development at IBM! You got that hook up, but also I’m sure they thought you were a very promising candidate as well. Show that off by ordering the most nonsense drink Stommons has to offer in the most aggressive size. Show the people behind you in line who’s boss — sorry, who's intern.

3. Send an e-mail to your ENVS 100 professor explaining why you don’t care for him.

Tell him off! Who cares about him now? Not you. He graded you harshly on the last exam to challenge you? That’s fucked up! Let him know. Why would he not show up to office hours? Why does he have no compassion? Maybe it’s because he’s intimidated that you have an internship now. For real, send him an e-mail. You have an internship now, so it's chill. And also, it would be funny on the meme page.

4. Interrupt friends to let them know they’re saying Buttigieg wrong.

Buttigieg? Butt-ig-egg? Boot-egg-egg? More like, Boot-edge-edge asshole. With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. The best way to make sure they know that is to interrupt your friends mid-thought on sexism in the 2020 election to let them know they really should know how to say Boot-edge-edge’s name. Hopefully they’ll lose their train of thought and stop talking so that you can really look like the alpha.

5. Have sex with your boyfriend when your roommate is trying to study for her final in her room with a shared wall.

Make sure the bed rocks against her wall so she has to move to the common room at midnight to finish studying. You own this space. You soon will own everything. That’s the trajectory your career is on, you note-taking, coffee-grabbing, New-York-Times-crossword-doing internship queen. Now that you have your internship, you don’t have to be courteous to anyone — except your dad’s friend.