Is This Self-Care? All Calls to CAPS Hotline Now Redirect to Queer Eye Season 3 on Netflix

With Penn's wellness initiative running full steam ahead, Chief Wellness Officer Benoit Dubé has rolled out the University's newest strategy to promote mental health. Starting next week, all calls to the CAPS hotline will automatically redirect to a promo for Season 3 of Queer Eye.

CAPS's decision comes shortly after the release of the full third season of the wildly popular Netflix show, which some critics have claimed to be the best yet. The promo features highlighted excerpts from the various "heroes" – those being made over – intercut with poignant tidbits of advice from members of the Fab Five, all laid over the series' jangly theme music. 

The recorded promo begins with the voices of the heroes expressing grief and hopelessness. "I stopped caring about myself," one sniffles as somber piano music fills the background. Another hero admits, "Everyone expected me to be someone else, and I feel like I don't belong," seeming to mirror the possible intrusive thoughts in the CAPS caller's mind. What follows is an interjection from Jonathan Van Ness, the resident beauty expert: "No *snap* way *snap* henny." 

"You're not invincible," declares Antoni Porowski, the food and wine expert, as the beat picks up. "Ask for help," urges fashion expert Tan France. After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"

According to University officials, the new Queer Eye call forwarding seems to be working. "We actually had to cut pilot studies of the new hotline protocol short because the results were so overwhelmingly conclusive: the mere sound of the bubbly, inspiring Queer Eye promo improved the mental health of distressed callers almost immediately in 96% of cases," explained Executive Director of CAPS Gregory Eell. "This is compared to the roughly 43% of callers reporting satisfaction with the hotline service when they were talking to an actual trained counselor."

"There's really no mental health issue a few episodes can't fix. It's the best form of self-care we have," Eells added.

When asked to comment on the new Queer Eye wellness initiative, Dubé offered hopefully, "This might be the one plan that actually works. Fingers crossed, queen!"