OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

I’m going to be honest and brief. It’s Spring, and my balls are sweaty. No matter what I do, they sweat and itch. Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. My kids are in there, and they get squirmy when the heat rises. I don’t know how to calm them down. 

I can’t pay attention in class, because I don’t get a time to air out my testicles after I walk from 40th and Walnut to 38th and Walnut, which is a really long walk when you have sweaty balls. I try to waddle from side to side, but the gelatinous baubles just smash into each other with more force, like Newton’s cradle or a dodgeball colliding with someone’s face. 

I have to manspread. If asked why my legs are at a 180° angle, I will mansplain my plight to anyone who opposes the health of me, my balls, and I. 

Please, if you see any be-testicled men squelching around campus, be kind, and take pity.