BREAKING: All the Thoughts You Recorded in Your Notes App Last Night Make No Sense

As dawn breaks then slowly creeps to 2 p.m., high-functioning alcoholics and stoners across campus wake up with the same thought: “What the hell did I do last night?” Fortunately, many students are beginning to record their inebriated thoughts in their iPhone to preserve the memories. Unfortunately, none of these notes make any sense.

College sophomore Nathan Leroy gave us an exclusive insight into the hundreds of disjointed notes on his phone, attempting to recap his previous night.

“I started out the night really wanting cheese, but it quickly turned into wishing one of my friends were bald," he said. "I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone."

"According to my notes," he continued, "I had one of the deepest conversations of my life, hopefully with Bald Friend, in which we broke down all of the incorrect assumptions of Capitalism and also came up with a brilliant Garfield movie that might actually just be the plot of Wilfred. The note ends with ‘Look up Bill Murray’s number,’ so if anyone has that, please send it my way.”

The notes were as follows:

Cheese wheels

Cheese wheel kinnex 

Melt cheese wheel in microwave 

Melt cheese on a guys head (maybe bald)

It bums me out when Uber drivers are old

June 27th-29th

Maybe if some people had less money and other people had more money then we’d be gucc

Garfield but Jim is crazy and everything Garfield is saying is just him in his head - double check if Bill Murray will play both Jim and Garfield

Look up Bill Murray’s number